Dear Diary,
This morning, I had a moment.
Not a dramatic moment.
Not a giving-up moment.
Just one of those quiet, heavy moments when everything I have been carrying seemed to land on me at once.
And it wasn’t one thing that made me ask.
It was the weight of everything.
The things I’ve already survived.
The things I’m still navigating.
The things I’ve had to learn to accept even though I never asked for any of them.
The constant adjusting.
The constant figuring it out.
The constant learning how to live inside circumstances I never imagined would become part of my life.
And this morning, I finally asked the question I think many of us ask when life becomes heavier than we ever imagined it would be:
Why me, God?
Why Crohn’s?
Why Myasthenia Gravis?
Why was one lifelong autoimmune disease not enough? Why did my body have to find room for another?
Why am I carrying the weight of two diseases that can change how I feel, what I can do, and sometimes how I have to live my life?
Why does it feel like every time I adjust to one thing, there is something else waiting for me?
Why does life keep requiring me to learn another version of myself?
Those were the questions underneath my “Why me?”
I didn’t ask because I had suddenly stopped believing.
Actually, the conversation started with gratitude.
I talked to God and thanked Him for everything He has done for me. For the things I recognize and probably countless things I never even knew He protected me from.
I thanked Him.
And then I told Him the truth.
I am tired.
And sometimes, even while I am grateful, I still wonder…
Why me?
🙏🏽 My Thank You and My Why
Sometimes we act as though questioning God automatically means we have lost our faith.
I don’t believe that.
I think sometimes questioning God means we trust Him enough to bring Him the parts of ourselves that aren’t polished.
I can be grateful and exhausted.
I can know I am blessed and still acknowledge that this is hard.
I can believe God has carried me and still wonder why this particular road became mine.
Gratitude does not erase grief.
Faith does not eliminate frustration.
And thanking God does not mean I have to pretend I understand everything He has allowed me to walk through.
So this morning, I gave Him both.
My thank you and my why.
⛪ Just Trying to Get to Church
After my conversation with God, I did what I normally do on Sunday morning.
I logged into Zion Online to watch Sunday service, only to realize I had already missed the first live stream of the morning.
Since I had missed the live stream, I headed over to YouTube hoping to find the recorded service so I could catch up.
Nothing deep.
Nothing prophetic.
Just me trying to watch Sunday service.
But as soon as I opened YouTube, the first thing I saw was:
HELP IS ON THE WAY.
I stopped.
It was a sermon from Sarah Jakes Roberts that had been recorded a couple of months earlier.
And after the conversation I had just finished having with God?
I stared at that title like…
Okay, God. Is this You? 👀
Because surely You are not about to answer me through my YouTube recommendations.
Right?
I clicked.
And I was not disappointed.
💜 And Then She Started Talking
Within the sermon, Sarah started talking about something I had literally been experiencing minutes earlier:
Gratitude and grief existing at the same time.
And that was enough to get my attention.
Because there I was.
Grateful.
Hurting.
Faithful.
Tired.
Thankful for everything God has already brought me through while simultaneously wondering why I had to go through so much of it in the first place.
The message wasn’t answering every question I had.
It wasn’t explaining why certain things had happened.
Instead, it felt like a reminder that what hurts right now doesn’t erase all the ways God has already carried me.
And there I was…
sitting with the same God I had just thanked,
after asking Him:
Why me?
Maybe the answer wasn’t going to be an explanation.
Maybe what I needed first was a reminder.
🦋 Maybe “Why Me?” Isn’t Always the Question That Gets Answered
I would love to tell you that the sermon suddenly explained why certain things have happened in my life.
It didn’t.
I still don’t understand why this particular road became mine.
There are still things I would gladly remove from my story if God handed me the editing pen.
Delete. Delete. Delete.
Actually, Lord, while we’re editing, I have notes. 😂
But maybe faith isn’t always receiving an answer to why.
Sometimes faith is learning to keep walking when the why remains unanswered.
Maybe the response to Why me? isn’t always:
“Here is why.”
Maybe sometimes the answer isn’t an explanation at all.
Maybe it’s simply enough help to keep going while the question remains.
🌻 Maybe Help Doesn’t Always Look Like Rescue
When I hear the words “help is on the way,” my human brain immediately thinks:
Great. So we’re fixing everything?
Because that would absolutely be my preferred interpretation.
Immediately would also be appreciated.
Thank You. 😂
But sitting with the message made me think differently about what help can look like.
Maybe help doesn’t always mean the situation disappears.
Sometimes help is strength for the situation.
Sometimes help is peace while the circumstances remain complicated.
Sometimes help is the right person showing up at exactly the right time.
Sometimes help is wisdom.
Sometimes help is rest.
Sometimes help is remembering what pain made you temporarily forget.
Sometimes help is simply having enough strength to get through today without needing to know how you’re going to handle tomorrow.
And sometimes…
help is opening YouTube looking for one church service and finding a completely different message waiting for you.
🎵 Music Playing in My Head While Writing This
“Encourage Yourself” — Donald Lawrence & The Tri-City Singers
Because even after hearing the message I needed this morning, there will still be moments when I have to remind myself of what I already know.
I’ve made it through hard days before.
God has carried me through things I once thought I wouldn’t survive.
And when my circumstances make it difficult to remember that, sometimes I have to encourage myself until my spirit catches back up with what my faith already knows.
💭 Reflection Corner
This morning reminded me that faith and questions are not enemies.
Maybe I don’t have to choose between being grateful and admitting that I am struggling.
Maybe God can handle both.
He can handle:
Thank You, God.
And He can handle:
Why, God?
Maybe He would rather hear the honest prayer than the polished one.
I don’t know whether YouTube’s algorithm put that sermon in front of me or whether God knew I needed that particular message at that particular moment.
Maybe some people would call it coincidence.
I know what it felt like to me.
It felt like reassurance.
It felt like being reminded that asking “Why me?” did not mean I had forgotten everything God has already done.
It simply meant I was tired.
I started this morning asking God:
Why me?
And as I sit here writing this, I still don’t have the answer.
But somewhere between my prayer, missing the first live stream, opening YouTube, and finding a sermon I wasn’t even looking for…
the question doesn’t feel quite as heavy anymore.
Maybe I didn’t need God to explain my entire journey this morning.
Maybe I just needed the reminder that I am not walking it alone.
Maybe I don’t need to understand everything today.
Maybe today, I just need enough faith for today.
Because when I asked:
Why me?
I didn’t get a why.
Instead, I found four words waiting for me:
Help is on the way.
And today…
that was enough.
💜 Have you ever received exactly the message you needed at a moment when you were questioning everything?
Maybe it came through a sermon.
A song.
A conversation.
A stranger.
A Scripture.
Or something that appeared at exactly the right time.
I’d love to hear about your moment.
Thank you for continuing to walk beside me through the questions, the lessons, the laughter, the hard days, and the moments that remind me I am still becoming.
If something in this entry spoke to you, please like, subscribe, share, or send it to someone who may need the reminder today.
Founder • Author • Advocate • Future Wellness Coach
Kia Lorice
The Dual Diagnosis Diaries 💜
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