Dear Diary,
Actually…
Today, I think this needs to be a letter.
Not to Crohn’s.
Not to MG.
Not to the people who don’t understand chronic illness.
Not even to the people who love me and sometimes have to watch me negotiate with a body that has absolutely no interest in my carefully constructed plans.
This one is for me.
Dear Kia,
We need to talk.
And before you start rolling your eyes because you already know where this is going—yes, I am talking to you.
The woman who gives everybody else grace like it comes in an unlimited supply but somehow puts herself on a strict grace budget.
The woman who will tell somebody else:
Listen to your body.
Rest when you need to.
You don’t have anything to prove.
Then five minutes later, your own body says, “I’m tired,” and suddenly you’re negotiating.
Okay, but can we finish these three things first?
Girl. 😒
No.
So consider this a letter from me to me—a reminder I apparently need to hear more than once.
Probably more than twice.
Honestly, we may need to laminate it.
💭 Kia, Stop Comparing
Stop comparing yourself to people whose bodies are operating under completely different circumstances.
Seriously.
Why are you looking at someone with what appears to be the Costco bulk package of energy and wondering why you can’t keep up when you’re checking your internal battery like:
12% remaining. Low Power Mode activated. Charger not found.
😂
Different body.
Different circumstances.
Different energy account.
Different rules.
But while we’re having this conversation, there is another person you need to stop comparing yourself to.
The old you.
You know exactly who I mean.
The Kia who could push through exhaustion because eventually a good night’s sleep might actually fix it.
The Kia who could fill every square on the calendar and somehow still convince herself there was room for one more thing.
The Kia who didn’t have to think about how much energy getting dressed, driving somewhere, walking around, working, socializing, traveling, or simply existing might cost later.
You miss her sometimes.
I know.
There are moments when you remember what you used to be able to do without thinking twice, and it is hard not to wonder:
Why can’t I still do that?
But Kia, you cannot keep using an earlier version of yourself as the measuring stick for the woman you are today.
She lived in a different body.
Under different circumstances.
With different information.
And loving who you were does not require punishing who you are now.
You do not have to compete with someone else’s capacity—or with your own history.
🥄 Your Energy Has a Budget
Christine Miserandino gave the chronic illness community Spoon Theory as a way to explain something that can be incredibly difficult to put into words:
Energy is not unlimited.
You know this.
You’ve explained Spoon Theory.
You’ve written about Spoon Theory.
You’ve probably mentally calculated spoons more times than you can count.
And yet every now and then, you still behave like you’ve discovered a secret drawer containing emergency spoons.
Spoiler alert:
There is no drawer.
When they’re gone, they’re gone.
And borrowing from tomorrow?
Oh, tomorrow sends an invoice.
With interest.
Ridiculous interest.
The type of interest that makes you wonder whether your body got financing from a payday loan company. 😂
You may squeeze another activity out of today’s energy supply.
You may push through.
You may convince yourself you’re fine.
And then tomorrow’s Kia wakes up exhausted, looking around like:
Who authorized these charges?!
Ma’am.
You did.
You absolutely did.
💜 Your Worth Is Not Measured in Productivity
Kia, this may be the part I need you to remember most.
Your productivity and your worth are not the same thing.
Read it again.
You are not more valuable on the days when you cross everything off your list.
You are not less valuable on the days when getting through the day is the accomplishment.
Some days you will work, write, advocate, laugh, travel, spend time with the people you love, handle responsibilities, and still have a little something left.
Other days your body will look at the beautiful agenda you created and say:
That’s adorable.
Then cancel the entire itinerary. 😂
Those days count too.
Rest counts.
Adjusting counts.
Saying no counts.
Changing plans counts.
Asking for help counts.
Doing half counts.
Doing one thing counts.
And sometimes simply making it from morning to bedtime deserves recognition.
You don’t need to accomplish something impressive before you’re allowed to feel proud of yourself.
Sometimes surviving a difficult day is the impressive thing.
🌻 Give Yourself Some of That Grace
You are incredibly good at reminding everybody else that they are human.
Now extend yourself the same courtesy.
You don’t have to earn rest by reaching complete exhaustion first.
You don’t have to apologize because your body changed the plans.
You don’t have to explain every limitation until someone else decides it is legitimate.
And you certainly don’t have to punish yourself because today’s capacity doesn’t match yesterday’s.
Your best is based on the energy available today.
Not imaginary energy.
Not somebody else’s energy.
Not the energy you wish you had.
Not the energy you had years ago.
Today’s energy.
That means your best will change.
Some days your best will look impressive from the outside.
Other days your best may happen entirely behind closed doors.
Both are still your best.
Your best is allowed to look different from day to day.
And Kia?
So are you.
🪞Dear Me, I’m Proud of You
I don’t say that to myself enough.
So let me say it now.
I’m proud of you.
Not just when you’re productive.
Not just when you’re accomplishing something.
Not just when you’re advocating.
Not just when you’re traveling, working, writing, helping someone else, or checking another box.
I’m proud of you when you rest too.
I’m proud of you for continuing to learn this version of yourself.
I’m proud of you for adapting.
I’m proud of you for continuing to find joy.
I’m proud of you for finding humor when life gets ridiculous.
I’m proud of you for learning that changing the plan doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
I’m proud of you for making room for a life that may look different than the one you once imagined but is still completely worth living.
And yes, Kia…
I’m proud of you for making it through every single day.
Even the messy ones.
Especially the messy ones.
🌻 You Don’t Have to Keep Up
The next time you catch yourself looking at someone else’s life and thinking:
Why can’t I do what they can do?
Or looking backward and wondering:
Why can’t I do what I used to do?
I want you to remember something.
You aren’t required to keep up.
Not with them.
Not with who you used to be.
Not with an imaginary version of yourself who never gets tired, never needs help, never changes plans, and apparently has unlimited energy and excellent parking everywhere she goes.
She doesn’t exist, Kia. 😂
Maybe the goal was never to keep up.
Maybe the goal is to learn how to keep living fully within the life and body you have now.
That means some days you move forward.
Some days you rest.
Some days you change direction.
Some days you cancel everything.
Some days you surprise yourself.
And all of those days still belong to your life.
So instead of asking:
Why can’t I do what they can do?
Start asking:
What does my body need from me today?
And then listen to the answer.
Even when the answer is:
Kia, sit down somewhere.
😂
Because listening to yourself is not weakness.
Adjusting is not failure.
Rest is not surrender.
And living differently does not mean living less.
So…
Dear Kia,
You don’t have to keep up.
You just have to keep listening to yourself.
And maybe—finally—give yourself some of the compassion you’ve spent years giving everybody else.
With love, patience, grace, and a reminder I will probably need again tomorrow,
Me. 💜🌻
🎵 Music Playing…
“Who You Are” — Jessie J
Because sometimes the expectations we struggle hardest to escape aren’t coming from anyone else.
They’re our own.
And somewhere beneath everything we think we should be doing, there is still a person worthy of love, patience, and grace exactly as she is.
💭 Reflection Corner
I’m learning that giving myself grace doesn’t mean giving up.
It means recognizing that my body has limits without turning those limits into a judgment about who I am.
There will always be things I want to do.
There will always be plans I want to make.
And there will probably always be days when my mind writes checks my body has absolutely no intention of cashing. 😂
But I don’t want to spend my life fighting myself because I cannot live exactly the way somebody else does.
I don’t want to spend it chasing an old version of myself either.
I can miss who I was without rejecting who I am.
Because I’m still here.
I’m still living.
I’m still growing.
I’m still laughing.
I’m still loving.
I’m still finding joy.
I’m still becoming.
And maybe that deserves a lot more celebration—and a whole lot less comparison.
💬 Your Turn
If you’re living with chronic illness, disability, chronic pain, fatigue, or simply a body that requires you to move through life differently, what would you write in a letter to yourself?
What expectation are you ready to release?
Who have you been trying to keep up with?
And most importantly:
What would change if you gave yourself the same grace you so freely give everyone else?
💜 Thank you for reading another page of The Dual Diagnosis Diaries | Kia’s Journey.
If something in my journey made you laugh, reflect, feel seen, or simply reminded you that you’re not alone, please like, subscribe, share, and join me for the next page.
Until next time, remember: some days we thrive, some days we survive, and some days we deserve a standing ovation simply because we put on pants.
All of them count. 🌻
Founder • Author • Advocate • Future Wellness Coach
Kia Lorice
The Dual Diagnosis Diaries 💜
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